As a child, there was nothing worse than the feeling that you were backed into the corner, forced to confront the fact that there’s a chocolate chip cookie squished inside the fist behind your back by your demanding mom, whose scolding would wash you over with a feeling of shame and guilt (and leave you much more calculated for your next heist, should you choose to try again). Guilt is a gnarly feeling that we know on a first-name basis by about age 5, when we begin to learn the difference between right and wrong, morals, and so on. But then there’s all the tack-on later in life.
Through societal conditioning, religious beliefs, the “success” ideal, and relationships built, we learn all of a sudden that there are hundreds of things to feel guilty for: doing too much. Not doing enough. Being tired. Cancelling plans. Ending a relationship, or wanting to start a new one. Eating chocolate. Buying shoes. Wearing something we love. Sleeping in. Going out. Saying no. Saying yes. Saying anything with conviction.
Do we realize how insane this is? That we can twist just about anything and feel bad about it? That guilt feels like human nature, and it’s actually a bonding point in some cases? That people are adept at manipulation because they can trigger pain points resulting in guilt? That we can do it to ourselves, subconsciously, because every direction we turn, someone is marketing a lobby against the feeling of emotional homeostasis and advocating against feeling OKAY AS YOU ARE RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT?
It’s a trip.
And so begins the process of what we allow to affect us.
I believe there are four different types of guilt:
The kind that just hangs around and nags with no substantial reason—the kind you want to squash with one of those whack-a-mole hammers. This is the one that used to pop up every time I would spend more than $20, no matter how big my paychecks were or how much I needed what I was buying. It comes without reason and seems to exist only to make someone feel shitty.
The kind that manifests as the result of an unresolved or painful situation; plausibly the only “healthy” form of guilt (within reason). This is the one we learn as a child—the kind that comes from a biiiiig fuck up, a hurtful action, or as a precursor to remorse. This kind can also get out of hand, as there’s a fine line between feeling this guilt and beating yourself up excessively for it.
The kind that is placed on us by another individual for manipulation purposes. When a person knows how to use guilt in others as a way to get what they want from you, it can be dangerous. I was talking to a friend recently about how her mom did that to her all the time in order to persuade her to do what her mom felt was best. I’ve experienced this one personally through the teachings of certain organized religion.
The residual kind that results from wishing an outcome could have been different. This one is useless, as actions have already been taken. Sometimes it sticks around even after all the ends are tied and a situation has been moved on from. It’s the kind that waits around for us to throw a pity party, and is the first in attendance.
The ways to combat guilt obviously depend on the situation, but I’ve collected a few remedies to keep in my back pocket which have truly helped me to diffuse the self-sabotage in early stages. Begin by thinking about upbringing. I was raised in a religious household whose entire ethos revolved around making good choices (or else you’ll go to hell) and following the path dictated by the church. I was also raised to be extremely cautious, stingy, even, with money. My parents were always looking at my bank balance as a teenager, grilling me about the $4 coffee I’d bought the previous Tuesday and telling me how much I was always wasting my paychecks (cut to me feeling horrible in adulthood every time I swiped my card). Once I really dug into the conditioning I’d been exposed to since infancy, I was able to unpack the reasons why I was lugging around so much heavy guilt.
A lot of guilt stems as symptom of society as well. We are shown unreasonable standards of living, be it through appearance, productivity, or accomplishment. Compassion is key here. A lot of weight is lifted just by radical self-acceptance and admittance into the “non-perfect” category (where we truly all exist, anyway). Talk to yourself as if you were speaking to a 5-year-old version of you. It’s a lot harder to be a bitch to a 5-year-old. If you’re allowing someone to puppet-master your actions, recognize it and calmly step back into your power, while making it clear that you will not let this be the case moving forward. This takes some thick ass skin, but no one wants to manipulate someone who states that he/she will not play the games.
And if there is work left unfinished—be real with yourself here—get it done. Say the apology. Burn a bridge. Restart the goal. Buy the vegetables. Cut the toxicity. Honor the past, and use it as a lesson. But if there really is nothing that needs to be done, or can be done, release it. Write a letter if you need to, and then set it on fire. Feel the emotions as it burns, and then walk away without them.
If you are doing the best you can, affirm it. If you’re not, put the baggage down and use your newly free hands to get shit done.
Xx, Anna